Friday, September 12, 2014

Starting from Going Back

"One day, I'll go back."

That was my plan long time ago. Yet, haven't done it so far...
I keep saying that 'I will...', without knowing when exactly it could happen.



As you've read before (if you really read my blog), I've called it quit with journalism. I miss magazine somehow. I miss the tension. Well, I'm a masochist! Remember I'm obsessed with Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey? Oh yeah...

There was always a moment... a question that popped in my head every month, every week, every day. "Will I ever make it?", "Am I going to succeed?", "Am I the right person?"...then it turns to "Am I really born to do this?" I went on with those question filled in my head. No answer for many times. But there were times where I was on top of everything, making me feel so certain and I believed in myself so much. It wasn't ever forever. That strong sense slipped away many times from me.

Leaving myself vulnerable. And re-questioning myself and the whole thing around me.

He's right about one thing. It took some time for me to realize.

So I left. Living on without plan. Letting everything left in me loose and slip away. Try to forget things that having their own war in my head. Looking for a peace.

An answer came up. Another question arrived.

I fought myself so hard to stay, thinking whether I could make it to the next month, writing new things. Am I gonna make it this time? What's next? No matter how much I believed in myself that I could get through, I wonder something bigger that I might not ever have. No matter how much I already have in my life could be enough.

So now I'm plan-less. I chose to. The path has led me to see that my life actually wasn't mine, ever, isn't mine and will never be mine. So I challenge everything to go by itself and I simply follow my fate. Giving myself to be 'possessed', in a good way.

One day, soon, I'll go back, saying he was right.



... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Thursday, September 11, 2014

July, 3rd

And again, we only have to choose the best among the worst; the least cruel of the charming liars to make us dance in the fire for another hopeless and lifeless five years ahead.

Ive seen an excellent player in disguise turn the strategy around with only a song. I've seen a New Order bastard came back alive as a hyena in tiger crown. Ive seen a white snow survive the long-time summer. Ive seen people stand up for the forgotten history. Ive seen the right person forced to choose a wrong one, misled by game. I've seen how clueless we are.

Tyrion Lannister would say that 'you've come to the wrong place.'


If I lose this time, I'd join the fire with my favorite books burnt.



... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Friday, August 29, 2014

Whooosh!

After more than six months without blogging, I finally have a lot to say. Things are drastically different.

First, I still can't believe that quit being a journalist. Not knowing whether there's a chance (or a hope) to go back there again. What intrigues me every time I look back is... oh gosh, it was something I never imagine to happen. But it happened. I used to think it wouldn't ever happen.

A Dutch journo once interviewed me for her project. "With everything in your way working as a journalist in Indonesia, do you still plan to keep doing it?" she asked me. I said yes and told her, "If I'm not being a journalist, I don't know what I am anymore." Guess, something like this yet happened!

It was my dream job---a job that I had always wanted so badly unlike anything else---for amazing three years; writing, fashion styling, food styling, reporting, and all that with super ups and downs. Yes, literally my DOWNs when I reached (read: found) the lowest point of my life... many times. Learned so much? Definitely!

So yeah it happened. Losing everything, risking anything that I have. I have let this profession defined who I am. That means, I have lost myself now. It's a big deal to find it back or simply create the new me---or getting the real me to come out. Quite a challenge of course. Somehow, it takes my humble side to accept the truth that I'm starting over. In age of 24. Another risk to take.

After I resigned, I went to US. Awesome thing. 2 months. I learned in photography class, rejoined with my family, traveled a lot, shopped a lot and ate a lot. I played with neighbour's cats and dogs. Awesome memories! I can't wait to go back and visit the other side of US. Another trip to Disneyworld won't hurt. During the trip, I said to myself, I'll be back, but at least, I'll go with a boyfriend. I need somebody to take pics of me, instead of me taking pics of everyone.

Traveling is addictive indeed.

Now, I'm writing this. I got another job. Another side jobs. Awesome, isn't it? At first, it was a struggle to balance my life with jet lag and those busy schedules. I'm still trying to keep up. Feels like the jet lag stays longer than my stay in US.

And...probably you won't believe me. After three years...I went out a date again. Maybe, I could try a little to think of something like this. Hmmm....first after three years.

Miss this blog. Will write some more.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Dancing in the Twirl of Wind

It's getting constant. Every single loneliness that fills the time, always gets me to the core: I found fear. I remember John Mayer's in his song 'Stop This Train'. I didn't see it as something light, especially now, coz I feel the same.

The target is obviously missed. Look! Who am I? I still know me as nobody and being lost is my dear friend. 24 will be my next stop in 2014. Wish everything can just .... slow down while I'm running fast. Guess, it won't happen. And my other favourite buddy is confusion. It drags my fear to come at front and holds me back from stepping forward. So, don't ask why I need more time to breath and decide.

Getting in the end of 2013, I'm single, bored and scared. Clueless can be added. Worry is also regular lover. Questioning the years ahead and how my life will be like. My colleague, Tania, has resigned and John, my former lecturer and also from QFF will move to Bangkok. Everyone steps forward, but me.

Here I am sitting on my desk, writing with a glass of wine in my room, surrounded with scented candles lit at every corner, mellow music on, crying with empty stares to the screen.

There's a moment where I just follow where the wind takes me. There, I look back and see how I've been too ambitious, tough on my own self, but it didn't work out anyway. Life proves me wrong. Fate shows my weakness. World whispers me of hopelessness.

Wind blows dry. Dusty as it is that I can't see my path through. No grip, only the blow teases my steps, plays with my hair. Now it's twirling, I wanna dance for a while even though I know I might fall.




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Salmon Recipe!



When my niece was proved that she enjoyed my salmon dish, I decided to cook some again. This time, more spices on top of the fillet and served with egg! I cooked the salmon with the same way I did on the previous post. So, here is the absolute recipe:

For the salmon:
1 salmon fillet (of course)
1 large-sized onion, chop into half and roughly chopped. Set another half aside.
2 cloves of garlic, slice and chop.
2 cloves of shallot, slice and chop.
Salt, ground black pepper, oregano.
1 tbsp of Worchestershire Sauce.

How? Slit the fillet a little bit. Put salt, pepper and oregano onto it. Then, heat oil on a pan. Toss garlic and shallot, saute until fragrant. Add onion, cook until tender. Gather all the onion, garlic and shallots to cover the bottom of the fillet. Put the fillet on it, cook another side after a while.

There!

As for the rice, I fried it with egg and the other half of the onion. I wrapped the rice with the egg, but it actually needed two eggs so all the rice could be wrapped in it.



If you read the last post, I cooked salmon yeah! Why? Because I bought a pack of Salmon fillet, and motivated myself to cook it soon with that post-it stuck on my wall. That day I felt so challenged, I did it. Hope you would try it!



... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Friday, December 13, 2013

Cooking Salmon!

Bought a pack of salmon fillet days before and waited till crazy enough to cook it. On weekend, I googled recipes involving salmon fillet. Nothing impresses me much, nor anything I COULD MAKE, due to my limited skill and appliances.

Luckily, something came up in my head and inspired me to cook with my own recipe. I don't know it could happen, but the idea to skin the salmon and marinate it with spices sounded good.


I sliced half of an onion (cubed), garlic and shallot, cook them first with oil on a heated pan until fragrant and those three looking smooth. I gathered them to make an island within size of the salmon fillet. So, I can cook it above them.


Of course, I made slits on the salmon, therefore the taste and fragrance of all spices and onion family can be well-absorbed. When it was almost cooked 100%, I poured 1 tbsp of Worcestershire Sauce for more yummy taste.

After the salmon was done and transferred onto a plate. I fried the other half of the onion (sliced anyway you like), then set aside. For the rice, I added more oil on the pan, beat one egg (or two), gave it some salt, and tossed the egg mixture once the pan got heated enough. Cooked and scrambled it. Added the rice, mixed it well; added more salt, pepper, and 1 tsp Kikkoman soy sauce. Ta-daa!




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Motivation-less.

The world keeps on turning. I'm still here. I'm doing nothing. I'm doing a lot.

Yet, confusions in me exists. Why am I still here? Why am I doing nothing? Why am I doing a lot but nothing good comes?

Every time I look around, you're not around.

I need a grip, I'm losing one, I got no friend.

But in my loneliness, anyone new I meet just leads me back to you. Why is that?

I lost my path. Me and my dreams are strangers now and forever.

No matter how often I got surprised by how small the world is... I still can't get my feet stand on the place where I should.


Why?




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Things I Don't Understand



Apparently, the news about rape case against a poet named... SS went rampant. I bet you all choose not to comment on the case, I don't know any of these people involved.

But what triggers me to say something like this...is because what bothers me. And what bothers is how people (including women) react on why the victim (7-month-old pregnant college student) filed the case when it's almost too late. Ok, people try to make their guesses, "Maybe the deal with the guy is still unsettled or settled with not enough money given, so then she decided to report!", or "She could be have an affair with the guy, but when she got pregnant and he refused not to marry her as he's married, she changed her mind to report and stated that she was actually raped."

Why do people's assumption on rape cases always tend to stress that it's only a woman's lie? Why don't these people (including women) have any respect on other woman? Doesn't matter if there have been so many cases in the past where the woman lied, because in the past, there have been so many cases either where the guy were really being a jerk. One made-up case doesn't mean the next cases will be ended up the same. Why do these people (including women) hate other women that they prefer to oppress them?

And why...people tend to respect and even have sympathy towards the guy that he's being reported and life will surely be hard on him at time like this?

***

What's the problem with writing as a hobby? What's wrong with reading books? Well, take a look at my experience on this.

A few days ago, I went to a hotel for an event they held. I arrived there so early. At the time, nothing was happening, so it made me confused. I asked the front desk officer who were also confused. In the end, nobody was that helpful. 

Then came a girl who I thought as the Public Relations officer. She didn't even look at me, and just mingle around with the other journos. Then, after I showed I was quite furious, I went back to my seat and the girl stopped before me and smiled. I smiled back. But that's it. 

I decided to call my office and stating clearly on the phone of what's happening there. "Should I just go back?," I asked my colleague on the phone. In the end, I decided to grab lunch at a nice resto next to the hotel while I'm waiting for the driver to pick me up. I just don't want to eat anything served in that hotel. They serve badly, no hospitality.

After that, I went back to the hotel and waited. This time, the PR girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a journo?". I said, yes. And I told her I didn't get what it all meant. Everything was so messed up. She was mistakenly at first, thinking that I didn't speak Indonesian. Beh...

She sat to me and explained everything and cleared up all the misunderstanding. As a PR, she doesn't have a nice English accent, so you'd hear her as she's got to spit out something. Well, guess, this girl was my age. She, then, started to speak with me as we're friends already. Her approach was simply like college student just making friends.

She told me that she was confused the first time she saw me. Whether I'm a journo or just random hotel guests. But why don't you just ask? Yet, less in a minute, she forgot. She suddenly asked, "where did you sit? I just saw you just now and I didn't see you before this." Hmm...lied too quickly.

We sat again when she offered me a drink. She asked me, "Why do you choose Mass Communication studies?" I said that I love to write. And she just cut me and said, "Oh, you're just like my friend. She also loves to write bla bla bla...extrovert like you." Wait, what? "Then, I asked her to join me and my friends, then she started to become a lil bit, oh sorry I meant she was introvert, so she is a lil extrovert now," she continued. Like, ok... is anything wrong with being introvert? Anything weird with the fond of writing? What a narrow-minded stereotype!

What's worse? It's when she started to talk about herself on why she chose the university she went to, giving aloud her lame and standard reason as she said, 'the school makes me a better person.'

Kill me!




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Stranger

So, if you read my previous post, you'll understand that I'm looking forward to get a new family home. While I'm also thinking to get a new home myself.

---

Time to recall. I'm 23 years old now, but once I was 18. My favourite age, my turning page. So I bet you all know we can change as a person who grow up into someone who know much better, although not all, just in five years.Once I'm a person who can't say 'no', but it seems lately that it has been my expertise to say what I wanna say, no matter people like it or not. Good, isn't it? I love being honest. But it is sad that some people can't just get it. They think that you change and start to be 'against them'. I'm just being fair as it is.

My views on religion, Indonesia and feminism has affected so many things around me, of course. Some people can't stand to be with me due to my choice and the way I see things. In other words, they just can't let people be happy the way they can, and not through the way most people do.

I can be very blunt in stating my opinions and delivering facts of everything I concern about. Unfortunately, people can't just give it a thought, and choose to unfriend me instead. Being different is hard no matter what. When I knew some of my friends left me because of that, well...I was very disappointed. Who wasn't, anyway?


I was very disappointed to know that even my friends that I care so much are able to treat me as a human being who might be different from them and have rights to choose on the way to live my life and also to speak my own words.

All I know that...whenever the time passes, everything is always getting better or maybe not. But as I got older, I know something's missing, left behind and being forgotten. There are also things got worsened. It's around me.

Yes, it's all around me. Remember my post about giving forgiveness?

Well that person again. Finally I knew something. Something about him, something about us. Never expected that this could happen this way. I believe no matter how close two friends can be, they can always grow apart. Yet, it's different.

It is supposed to be all the act of kindness and togetherness were based for friendship. Yeah, naivety brings me to think if this someone was being good to me because wanting a friend, trying to be best friends with me. The truth is... nope. Neither of those things was his reason.

I knew I trusted the wrong person. My secrets left in him, as well as my disappointment (again). The connection between us were ruined. The next time I met him...he's a stranger. I don't know him anymore. Sometimes, I can't still believe it, coz I felt our friendship was real and now I have to change the way I feel by seeing the real thing ahead my way.

So, thing's changed. Everything is changing and, so is everyone.

Once we can be inseparable, there will be one day strangers we're becoming.



... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Neighbours...

Once, I found an old picture of my sister when she was much younger---I wasn't born yet at the time. It was on Indonesian Independence Day and she was standing outside, overlooking the view of our neighbourhood. I couldn't say much, but all I can tell you, the situation nearby was clean, well-designed housing quartier and not crowded. It was in mid 80s.

In 1990, I was born. From much further I could start to recall, I've started to observe the neighbourhood myself, starting from my childhood memories. Here, it's getting crowded and more crowded by the time goes by. I remember there was only one shop and two small homey restaurants. Then, a mini market opened when I was about 7 years old until now, although it used to close for awhile due to a riot in 1998.


Since the year of 2000, it has been 3 times... new neighbours keep coming and stay at the house next door. First new one was nice, but it was quick stay. Then, another pack coming. No introduction to us, we didn't say 'hi' either. They used the house for commercial matters, they sold something I can't remember what. Somehow the business wasn't good for them. After a while, they closed down and resold the house.

The house was divided into two. When the seller guy stopped the business and left, the people who live next to him still keep on doing theirs. It's a small private education institute for children to learn read and write, including reading Quran. They paint the house with tacky purple and pink color. But it makes a good clue for taxi driver I ordered by phone to find my house anyway.

Lately, another neighbours start to occupy the empty house---between us and the weird purple-pinky. This time, the new neighbour paint the house in black and red, like a Korean restaurant, but it looked rather tacky too. Cheap paints and lame design. They didn't introduce themselves to us (again) and I don't know what they use the house for. They put a sticker of their brand logo. I really got no idea of what it is about (until now!)

But I can say, they're really curious of me. Once the taxi driver couldn't stop precisely before my house, so he stopped in front of their place. They were like, 'who is this stopping before my place?'. The girls in hijab were panic and told their male friend who soon rushed towards me and the cab. Since that day, they look at me like I'm some kind of weirdo. People can be so strange.

We got no choice now. The local officials have already stated that the area I've been living for 23 years. now, will be only legal as commercial area, not housing. So, we got to move from here. The other reason we could use to stay is...using the house, also, for commercial matters. Let's say, the simplest way is to turn our house into a home-stay and we stay in new house somewhere nicer. That's the least 'trick' we could do. My mom refuses to sell our home and just move away.



But no matter how, we all have to move and live somewhere else. This should be the biggest change for me. One point I see from this situation: it's not about how close it might be, change is everywhere, whether you realize it or you don't.

And it's just absurd to know if how long we've been staying in the area can't avoid us to become the stranger. Everyone around us change, new people keep on coming, thus we still the same. We're the strangers now.

I learn that there is a phase where we are all strangers to people that now we know very much. I'm sure I could get to know my neighbours soon enough, hopefully in a proper manner, within good timing, and for the best reason. But I also learn that people I know very much could turn back into strangers.

Read next on 'Strangers...'




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...
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