Friday, November 3, 2017

The Art of Forgiving, It's a Matter of Timing

Well, I'm not blogging for some time until today, this morning to be exact, I got revelation!

I don't care that this is not Sunday but I feel the bliss to write.

Regarding the title... No, I'm not going to tell you that I woke up just like that... and feeling awesome all of a sudden just like that and having an angelic whisper, "maybe it's time to forgive!"

Oh no! Not like that. 

Honestly, I'm telling you...
it has been a complicated journey 

And no, I'm not in the mood to forgive of what had happened because I'm back in the good mood due to much sleep I got lately, or forgiving mood as some might call it, or whatsoever. It's a matter of... when people say time can change you, yes, it can. That's what it just did to me.

But once (well, many times) time has changed me into something I'm not---which in the process, I started to realize, jeez, I'm losing my mind, I'm losing myself. Until then, it all become: I HAD LOST MYSELF. 

And there came a moment where I said to myself, I had lost everything.

Simple, if you might say. Shit happened. Well, shit always happens.

Even though (you think) you're not ready (or if you think it's too much for you). Eventually, shits keep on coming. Right?

No matter you have passed the move-on challenge for the first problem or not, more shits will pile up and you'd find yourself drowning into complete darkness where you can no longer find your true self coz it's just plainly dark around you and that suffocates your soul. Totally overwhelmed with your incapability to get things over. I'm slow learner to do it.

There you reached a moment where Agatha Christie once wrote, "Some of us, in the words of the divine Greta Garbo, want to be alone." Alone, looking for peace but actually you're drowning more into regret and... hollow.

During this lonely phase, many times I blamed many people, for what they did, and then blamed my ugly fate. Why do I have to meet such people? Why life is so shitty to me? My temper shortened faster and life became harder to live on, my soul turned drying out. I couldn't stop asking and asking without finding any real or relieving answers that makes me feel better to step forward with everything. That's all I could do. Lame!

Till I found the conclusion after years of getting to the same cycle of being in a deep shit and only able to blame everything including myself: All I've done, I only stayed right at the same point where I started. Only, different places, different people---yet, same shitty story.

Another lesson learned---or, another conclusion: IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. Does it make me feel better to know that it was all of my naivety and stupidity? Of course not. My power and energy went lower and weaker. Starting from my health started failing (well that, also thanks to too much work I let others piled up to me, but I kept on doing it anyway without any complaints---but you know when I started to get fed up and do my first complain, right? Yeah, you're exactly right. People just didn't get it and made things even worse).

While time kept on changing me into something I'm not, all I could think of was: why did I let these all happened in the first place? 
Then, funny, the universe through some people started to blame it back on me, too. Saying that I didn't do things in smart ways. How cool is that? After everything I did so hard, people thought... that I was just completely stupid. Whoa!

---alright, I wanna stop complaining here so you won't get bored.

But this was part of the journey that brought me back. So brace yourself until... my revelation!

I started to be very much skeptical on almost everything. Angry at any time for small reasons, letting them out at all cost. 

After feeling like the world is playing against you, I lost all of my bits on positivity, even though I'm proud to say that I'm not a positive person as I think it's always better to be ready with all the worst case scenario. When one by one people you meet is only to fail you, all of my power to be a little patient, trust and love have run out.

Everything I saw was all bad. It feels like... you have betrayed yourself after hard work and effort you gave. I hardly trusted people and always see the bad side of everything. That slowly ruined me without me knowing. Again, I asked why on shits that came to me. I thought I never learned. I felt much worse than Sansa Stark.

Weeks of weeks ago was the lowest point of my life because I saw everything about me was a complete failure. Nothing that I achieved, I was born a shit... and the list went on.

The thing is... I was upset. All I get that it was normal coz people treated me awfully. But I can't have that reaction of anger which I can let on in returns. Like in all those memes, when people being such a pain, you get angry and you're the bad guy. Congratulations! Not talking about revenge, but even for having a pain itself in you after what people did to you was already making you the shittiest people on earth. I'm telling you, this phase made you feel like... you're not getting anywhere.

I started to think how the world works. Is it just me? Why are there some people born to be such a pain and they're still seen as heroes. Wow! How fair, is that?

It's like you're born to be a dumbass people can just legally hurt anytime, in any way. 

Then, today, I woke up and felt like... ok, let's just move on with that one. Sounds mindblowing?

Yes, that one that has been going on for quite some time. Let's say, 2 years by now maybe?
Oh yeah, I can keep grudge for that long. Perhaps more? 

While almost everyone easily says, it's not good to hold grudge.

But, come on, be realistic!

Back on today. So yeah, no matter how motivated you are in standing against the world, you'll lose. As Hercule Poirot said, "I could not rid myself of the impression that evil has passed me by very close."

Yet you lose, you'll win in another way.

Time changes things. You and everything.

I was betrayed many times. Then, this one is about another friend at work betrayed me a few years ago. I started to widen my personal space that people can't touch or break in. In result, I felt lonelier than ever, although I think I can live with that.

Ever since, it made me difficult to trust people. Because the betrayal affected almost everything I pursued and tried to build. It's like a wave crashing your sand castle. BOOM! In a blink, all of your efforts were none.

After the revelation I got today... I don't know, I started to see things differently. Thanks to doctor meds I took (maybe). LoL.

The story was once I backed out from a very cool job offer, just because for this person. Because I thought this person needed me so much and I wanted to help and we had created a comfort zone where we could actually grow together for good.

Oh yes, I was THAT naive!

Then, well, you know, time changed people. People you trusted so badly, gone bad---leaving you lost and disappointed. There I go...  sooo upset.

The grudge, I thought, was forever. After looking up on everything I have made so far, I'm glad it happened!

Yes, no kidding. Coz then time changed you. Time changed people. Time changed me. Through time, there's how the mystery of life reveals its agenda to you.

I mean, I've been thinking of many what-ifs.

What if things were going simply straight ahead? 
What if the comfort zone was still there until today... Would I still be there? Where would I be? How would I be today if I stay? Would I be happy? 

So you know, I kept moving places, bracing myself to new challenges even though I might not be ready or feeling comfortable. In any other words, I risk my life and future. However, I re-think of it again... for any challenge that I give it a try.

Any hard situation I'm in right now, because it's always something new that I'm being in. 
It's because I learn something more, therefore I'm actually upgrading myself.

And yes, I realized again, if I stay for stability I was always dreaming of... the comfort zone, I wouldn't have any adventure that gave me something more than anyone else who stays. If I didn't lose my comfort zone, I wouldn't have thought to leave.

I might not have so much more compared to anyone luckier than me, but, at least, I'm dancing in the wind that takes me.

And, all I need to do now is... prepare for the worst. As the movie is coming out, I'm sooo dedicate this post for all the quotes of Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie, 'that there are in the world such evil men! It tries one's faith.'

It is what it is.

I'm not trying to tell you to see things differently and stop hating. I just wanna say, it's a matter of natural process and time will do the work in mysterious ways. It's a matter of timing.

Time has changed me, things and my people I thought as friends and families.
Time still does what it does. Time has changed me again.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Monday, October 31, 2016

Where Am I Now?

It all started last year when I made the most righteous decision. I quit my job for giving another pressure test on myself.

What would I be? 
What would I want? 
What should I do?

I made the right decision. Not the most righteous, maybe. But I did a good thing to leave all people and place that I don't want to spend for another year, and not to change into someone I don't want to become.

One year has passed. Lots of things have happened, more than I can tell you. It was (always) a rough journey. Things get tougher each day on and I land to the question I address to myself, would I ever make it? Second chances have been given and taken. I cannot make more mistakes. Which... is... hard.

I enjoyed everything that comes my way. Balance is still the thing I'm struggling for.

Here I am... just published my first book, Reuni, and almost pushing a year in a creative agency, serving as a Public Relations consultant.

It was last year that I decided to end everything. Almost everything that shapes me who I am now. I have reached the point when you know what matters to you, who are true to you, and of which you'll need to keep in your life---what to abandon from your hands (sadly, though).

Again in my quarter life crisis, I did a change for myself, in order to break all the curse.

I left my work and start writing the story of a guy who needs to beat the shit out of him. Pushing 30 years old yet still clueless. He might not be 100% kind of a guy I always dream of, but some part of him was random fragments I have in life, whether it's related to me or not.

The book is written by another two writers I have known for so long. Hally and Joe. Turned out we have to collaborate for a book. Literally, one book together. One novel. Not an anthology. So I said to them, what if we make a story how one incident involving three people? An incident---a misunderstanding---always left different perceptions from each person involved and those perceptions could scatter them away.

So there it went... I wrote the story while I was enduring the ups and downs deciding my next step in career, post-mall PRgirl.

Now, I'm entering another phase in life. Don't we all?

That was my one Friday night.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Why Indo Should Not Focus on LGBT?

I know there has been some agenda on LGBT existence brought up as another public distraction after the bombing. Religions, again, of course, is used to counter the facts and science. And meanwhile, the Pope has said, 'who are we to judge?'.

In Indo, Pope might mean nothing to the country whose role models are Mid East countries. But this country is surely facing real problems that have been going for years and are not fully fixed or well fixed.

You see how people with differences still cannot coexist for this case. I know it might be a tough job to be open minded, while education rate is seriously low. Or, the way we're all educated is ... not really that good. Coexist is indeed a utopia. Silly me to expect that in a country who believes in 'diversity' stated in the state principles (Pancasila).

Sarcastic enough?

Well, let's be fair. Personally I always think that we have to move forward, learn more on others who are different than us. Try to understand.  Therefore, you can be tolerant. Yes... tolerance will come if understanding revives one's mind. There's something we can be tolerant about, and there isn't. LGBT isn't something you can't tolerant with. They don't corrupt the economy, they don't kill people, they don't steal or hurt you. If you hear and read news on crime committed by a gay guy, it's just personal deeds, instead of LGBT thing as a whole. There are millions straight like me who committed crime.

Don't read it wrong, I don't do crime. =P

We're getting to advanced civilization. If there are some people to choose living in a cave, we can still coexist, right? We're not going to invade people who live in a cave by being anti LGBT. Nor, the cave people can be allowed to do politics and violence towards people on the other side (Can I say civilized people?). No, we don't need to focus on LGBT.

Here the points why?
  • Corruption Alert
It's obvious why. I don't need to state more. Find the data on Google.
  • Dealing with Infrastructure
Ok, I might know better about Jakarta to say about this. Even though it's getting better, you know it's not fully fixed if the internet is very slow.
  • On Gender, There Is More Critical Situation to Handle
Speaking on gender equality, we have more situations. Like Law on Marriage. We still have problems in dealing with domestic violence. Ex-husbands who deny their obligations to their ex wife and kids based on divorce settlement. And how do you handle a situation where a husband takes his children away from the wife in order for revenge? Tell me now.

Sexual assaults is high. Most are committed by straight men. Obviously. Yet, the cases are not that sexy to fight for. Even the case is often closed by short imprisonment for the men, or even marrying the victim to the rapist...the criminal. How's that? Living together with a criminal.

And sexual assaults are complicated. It's not always like what it has been pictured in movies or crime news. How do you handle a sexual assault which has been done through mindset manipulation? And don't say that the victim is stupid because of what happened to her... that it took so much time for her to realize and find help.

The society sees the victim in more harsh way, rather than to the shit guy. Media, too. Would it be better if we focus on this problems?

How many women are paid much lower at work (with the same level and position)? Go figure.
  • Covered/Uncovered Economy Crisis 
Read the news. Find credible media to read. When you read, try to think twice and make logic of what you find. The country is having serious problems. Big companies are collapsing. Many lost their jobs. Think of what might happen in the next 5 years. It's scary. Better think on how we'd survive!
  • Really? You Think You're God?
Some people don't agree with LGBT because it's forbidden by religions. Oh come on... like what I have written above. Who are we to judge? If religions say this wrong, that wrong. C'mon.... if you have religion, show me that you have God to decide it better. We, humans, know nothing. Let God says the right thing. All we can do is to treat human as human. Let them be... if it's wrong, it's their problem with God. Not your business, and you don't need to feel worry, intimidated or anything. Coz they're just ok with us, heteros. You don't believe me? How many gay movies we watch and we're okay with it and compare on how many straight films they have watched and they're ok with those?

Try to count it.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Monday, January 18, 2016

Closer to Fear

When you say 'you're not afraid', are you sure? Do you really mean it?

What if you see a tragedy everyday, would you say the same?
Would you think it makes you stronger? Makes you stronger by seeing people slaughtered?

So, is it okay if inhumanity taking place everyday? You're not afraid, right?

What is fear?

What are you fear of?

Are we having fear for the right reason?

Are we not having the fear for the wrong reason?

Is it still okay?

Is it okay to have fear?

Or, is it that bad?

Does having fear mean you're losing?

Does fear save you?

Could you tell me more when you're closer to fear?


... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Third Explosion

It was 07.55 when I tapped my ID card at work. I usually arrive early.  Yes, early. I'm working in an agency where people could arrive at least 10am, yet they would spend quite late at work.

Anyway, nothing was suspicious.

Not until a shocking gigantic sound came to our ears a few hours later. Funny, I've been the one who's always worried with such sound in the office, fear might it be a bomb. Previously, in my one and a half month working in that office, it was whether sound of thunder or something from the construction area nearby. That morning, my colleague also thought it was thunder! But we realized, the sky was clear.

I didn't move until somebody said it was a bomb a few seconds after. The first explosion. We ran towards the window but the smoke was gone. Everything was ok. The person who said he saw an explosion suddenly wasn't sure of what he just saw. We sat back at our seats and the second explosion burst out. There, we started to worry. We ran back to the window yet everything down there seemed to be normal, seen from 26th floor.

The people around the Sarinah wasn't running away, freaking out or something. Like everything was normal. So I thought, maybe it might be an explosion from Burger King's kitchen, despite my colleague said that the explosion he saw was in front of Starbucks. And then I thought again, if it was indeed a blow from the kitchen... how could the sound break so loud?

I took my time to type fast on Path when my colleague tried to search the news about it. That explosion was brand new, of course there's nothing about it on the net. No one answered me on Path for some time.

Some colleagues started wondering, asking someone to find out. I made a few steps back from the window, just right before the third explosion came visible to my eyes.

I screamed.

That's it. I usually don't scream, but shits in my head defended themselves to let out. I remembered someone yelled out to evacuate. I ran to my desk, packed everything quickly while telling my friends not to forget everything behind at work. When we were getting closer to the door, one of the bosses said to me, "Stay inside, it's happening down there, you'd better stay inside. There's a shooting downstairs, you don't wanna go down."

Some people were already near the elevators, I screamed asking them to come back inside. I didn't hear anything but the explosions, so I was shocked too that there were shootings already.

So we stayed. We stayed altogether in one point. The building management officer spoke out an announcement, saying that we should stay inside. Let's say, we're trapped in the office.

Definitely, it was ISIS. Or their previous look-alikes: JI, Al-Qaeda, HT and all. Yet, some part of me still hoped that it could only be a drill. It wasn't. My journo friend said that it was a terrorist attack. Confirmed.

I told my friends about it and the news came up.

We went to the restroom together, and the fourth explosion came. That was nightmare. Suddenly I felt like I lived in Iran or Syria. The big main streets with the coolest places and skyscrapers in the city turned into war zone. As it has been the fourth one, we thought there would be more and we didn't know where. Our office building could be next. And we couldn't leave.

All I cared was I needed to tell my family that I was okay so they wouldn't be worried. I hate it when they worried. My mom was sick since last week, she's not feeling that well. I was afraid this news might frighten her and trigger her pain. I made the call, trying not to panic so I would sound convincing enough that I was okay. I wasn't. My hands were all trembling when I made those calls.

My XL was dead. Kinda hard to made a call straight from my cellphone. I also rushed to contact my brother and sis-in-law who worked in Thamrin, too, with land phone on the desk. I cancelled my meetings and stayed calm.

After calling my mom, another explosion. The fifth. I didn't take the time to get closer to the window to look. The sixth...

Hours there of despair. I wasn't afraid if I have to die on that day. But I was afraid if I might get hurt... living and keep remembering the public distraction of an on-going issue. Just because of it, people died. Innocent ones. Of course, I didn't count the terrorist who died during the attack. Let them be.

Looking for the bigger picture... The spin doctors made a huge success with a handful of ammunition for the day: The hashtags people debated (instead of spreading the right information and verifying the rumors), the public watch on the spot, and the fashionable cops.

People also compared the incident with the one in Paris. Definitely not the same. Indo were debating Indonesians posting 'Pray for Paris' and the French flag applied on their profile pic when it all happened, which for me, it's something normal. As I see it as a way to deliver condolences despite the distance Indo and France had. But this is Jakarta. These peeps are in the same city. And they're debating the hashtags while I was burning my head in composing the plan to escape. I just wanted to be at home.

The incident left me curious.
How on earth it could happen...
How people dare to do this, letting some people who know nothing to die intentionally just to cover things up. I noticed a few illogical clues. I'm writing this, not in the mood to accuse. However, I was surprised on how many people ignore it and CHOOSE to get distracted, even worse, claiming the hero on wrong people and pointing it out as cynicism to be critical about this.

Some people who were consumed with such things... had less sympathy. Well, I can't blame them. I can't blame them for not being there and realizing the absurdities. Instead, they would love to joke (or brag) on 'bravery' of civilians who enjoyed the violent drama, live...only a few steps away.

Anyway, at least I know who were truly cared about me on that day. People who had me on their mind when the incident made the headlines. Thank you! I'm deeply touched. It's always nice to know that people care.

As a person who work in Communication industry and taking classes on Terrorism Studies, I am sure this incident is definitely a set-up. It had been practiced many times previously. By who? Just find the spin doctor....

And it made me realized, we're all Jon Snow. We know nothing. 

Last but not least...

Dear Spin Doctor, whoever you are... Yeah, you won. But I'm not afraid. One day, I'll do the same thing to you.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

On Prostitutions, On Self-Value, On Our Own Reality

Speaking of... two (unimportant) girls were on media highlights last week. Why? Some say, they're celebrities even though I didn't know them, and secondly they are also prostitutes. Thirdly, is the most important, they were caught red handed by undercover police for prostituting themselves in an expensive hotel. 

Here's the thing that bugs me. Every prostitution case is on the rise, people will question on:1. The self-value of the girls who sell their bodies for sex.2. Even worse, the virginity... and how dirty such girls are.

Again, I will question only one thing. (1) Where are these kind of judgement for the guy who burn his money for prostitution?Yet, no matter what, there will 'supply' if there is 'demand'---the most righteous economy theory that won't ever fail, in my humble opinion.

Speaking of 'self-value', what makes us difference from those prostitutes?

(We) might put ourselves as slaves for our clients/employers despite how stingy they pay our intellectual works, compare to those girls who could easily stand up and say 'No' to any men who pay them sh*t. 

Regardless of sinful act---oh well, everyday we make one(s). So what? What's your problem with theirs? They don't have problems with yours.

Your self-value is gone, when you let someone throw a sh*t on you just because they pay. And no matter often you let them, you won't earn hundreds of millions like Nikita M and friends. 😂 Ironic, isn't it?

And where are theirs? They have theirs, maybe. Because it's their choice. They do because they want to.Yes, I definitely prefer to speak up for them rather than for those who yell out loud praying but only bullshit in fact. 

Oh, how judgmental me. We all do. So that's okay. 💩

Probably, it isn't just about knowledge that Eve took the apple in Eden. There's more.... 

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Quarter Life Crisis

I'm no longer 16. I'm no longer 18. I'm no longer 20. I'm no longer 22.

I am 25 years old. Singing John Mayer's 'Stop This Train' won't help any better.
I'm 25 and I'm having quarter life crisis.

This morning I gathered up with some friends for light breakfast and chat somewhere downtown. One of them just broke up and we talked... we talked... until the topic about commitment came up. Then, 'quarter life crisis' was in. We're talking how it is usual phase that most would question about their existence, label, and pursuit....including their achievement so far in life. So when I have written here so many times about living in turbulence... I haven't landed anywhere, it's just the turbulence getting stronger---shaking me to the core.

I got to admit. I have been in this kind of crisis since my early 20s. I just don't realize it, or maybe I just deny that I already face it too early than I should have. No matter how early I had it, things didn't change for good. I'm still stuck and all. What's worse?

Like in previous post, I said... 'I'm hitting rock bottom'. Yes. I feel like not only stuck, but I'm confused.

Imagine you're in a boat and you're sailing. You might start to think that the phrase 'sailing the boat alone' makes any sense to you. Why? I'm in the middle of such circumstance. I ask myself... why am I sailing this boat alone? Wait, whose boat is this?

I wonder why I'm always stuck in this kind of thing. Being thrown away... forgotten as not part of the team no matter how much you have done, just because one simple thing you do---being a human. I question my life.... should I be the nice person all the time? When I act like real human with attitude that I would only consider as not humane. Well. Even though it happens for once, the good things you've done seem to be disappeared.

Quarter life crisis. I question if I can move on with anything I have for now. Or without anything. Coz there's nothing left.

Can I go back to 21? Please...

Oh are you having the same thing? Did you (if you are older than me)? Say that life is just a 'Bitter Sweet Symphony".

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Little Things that Make Me Happy

My birthday was in March. But I had plenty of gifts addressed to me randomly. Some are belated birthday gift, some are generosity of my friends who happened to have finished their traveling. 

I'm hitting the rock bottom lately. And these things make me happy. Little things that make me think that my life worth a while.

Thank you!

As you see these things surprisingly beyond I could have imagined. Like Doraemon make up brush set and organic coconut palm sugar---with cinnamon twist? And, I have more Vaseline Petroleum Jelly... fresh from Saudi Arabia. This is awesome!

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Something about Postcards

Got these lovely postcards from Yuli and Val while they' were enjoying their freelance job in Bali Spirit Fest, Ubud. Jealous, huh? What else? I got these two after I decided to cancel my plan to travel to Ubud for visiting them. Once again, due to work and parental permission... well, traveling solo got to wait.

Ndah is currently traveling around Europe, too. She sends me postcards every city she drops by, sent to my office. Today, I got another one. So happy! The message is beautifully written, though it's brief to share how the city looks like. That's why I love from postcards! Maybe...

Through these plenty of postcards I received lately, I felt like 'communicating more'. Recently, I decided to try maintaining my communications with some friends, especially abroad. Through any way I can. Skype, Instagram, Facebook (yes, now I checked it a little... very little often), Twitter, Path and What's App or Line. I feel like losing myself for staying in a bubble for so long. I kept cutting people off---which has become my expertise lately.

But you know what... I'm always mesmerized with the idea of having pen-pals. Never meet them, but keeping in touch so frequent. Going to post office, put on the best stamp and send off a bunch of wishes. Well, I do have them. I kept on writing them, only I haven't done it for a year or two. In Jakarta, it's just kind of difficult to get to the closest post office. Oh well, third world country problem. Oh no, it's Jakarta. Oh whoops, it's my laziness of not able to conquer the city.

As for my friends here in Jakarta, I try to reach them and meet anytime possible lately these days. Traffic jam is what separates us here, but you can always find the perfect time to beat the shit out of your hang out plan. I also contacted some friends I've been ignoring for some time. I think I can try to forgive, try to bury the hatchet, try to move on. Guess, stranger... it's what I am born to be. Back there again at that point.

At least, I try what I can do. Best way possible.

So now I know why postcards or snail mail works perfectly for me. When distance makes me unseen, letters or postcards can reach me and I feel like my existence real without being exist. Hmm... now things get complicated, I'm getting sound weirder.

Write again soon.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Memory Loss Concern

Bunny. Thinking how to save the world that knows no justice...while no one cares.

Other than many fears that I got in this world, I am worried of my sanity, as well. Sanity that keeps my memory in my mind on all I have been until today. I'm afraid of having amnesia or Alzheimer. Lately, I do have problems with memory loss. I have been forgetful on things I used to remember closely, or words or terms I often wrote or spoke of in the past. If you ever read or watched Atonement, you'd probably have heard of vascular dementia that Briony had in the last chapter. Who knows, I might really have it.

My late grandma, since I was still a kindergarten student to 5th grade, never remembered that I actually passed a grade up each year until the day she's gone. Even though my body has grown so much, she never realized it. She always thought that I was still in kindergarten for years, no matter how often we reminded her that I was no longer a toddler.

Ironically, I met her many times in my life, in a month, as she lived nearby. Short distance never helped her to remember that easier.

Then again, yesterday I was back to meet my grand family---something that I always avoid, due to language and culture clash, and I hate noisy crowds. A night before my uncle was brought to funeral homes, I met my auntie who 'babysit' me when my parents were in the States. She asked me a question that was more surprising than 'when are you getting married?' one.

I was talking to my cousin's daughter. She was telling me that she hadn't gone to school due to flood. Then my auntie jumped in asking, "You two going to same school?" Of course, I was like, what? 

This niece of mine is in high school, but looks more kiddy than most 10th grade student should be. So, do we go to same school? Yeah, I was like, what?!

Surely I replied, 'No, auntie, I'm already working." Then she asked me, "Oh, so you two work at the same workplace?" D'oh! She just forgot that a moment before we just mentioned the word 'school', about less in a minute ago. I tried to answer and explain more detail so she would stop asking. And yes, she stopped, but coming back with another unimportant questions.

I wrote this story in my Path account. There are mixed reactions about this. Some concerned, some laughed---by thinking I meant it as a funny experience. But the truth is... I intended to share a thing related to going-old-and-vulnerable phase in our lives and how family bond allows you to witness (let's say, preparing you). (But) In funny way to write it out.Yes.

Names, words, events. I lost some of them. And being forgetful is not good for your career or school. Let's say, when you forgot a definition in Sociology class, you'll lose a point in your exam. That simple. Those are small things that lead to your life. Biggest future threat I forgot is that the things I do isn't my life anymore.

Sometimes, I remember that. Sometimes.

My bro-in-law once asked me, "why do you take pics so much of almost anything?" My classmates at photography course I took in Houston even asked the same thing. They didn't take pics as many as I did while we spent morning before class, during class break or lunch time and after class. I thought, being in photography junkie would mean that we could be rivals in taking the best pic ever every day. But it turned out so differently. They didn't take a pic, unless our instructor told us to.

So, why? I always keep any photos, with the worst take as well. The only reason is... those pic will hopefully help me to remember a piece by piece of anything to my past I lose, if I really lose more memories in the future. Not just favorable, weird, funny or sad things I found on the streets... but to the most precious ones like happy faces for blessing received and annual celebrations that we shouldn't miss.

I want to keep track of what had happened. Besides photos, I keep some voice notes my friends sent me (and some from my ex boyfriends), letters/post cards or videos of my nieces and nephew since they were babies. I regret that I didn't have many for my previous pets.

The incidents lately reminded me of Royston, a film director from Singapore whom I met in 2010. He made a film about an old guy who suffered from Alzheimer. JakPost interviewed him in KL while he was in transit, saying that he made movies to remember, helping him out if once he lose his memories as well. I got his point now.

Some complained of how we took pics of almost everything. Some lost on how we cherish a photography---that photography has revolved into something we had in daily basis. Once we were familiar with diary and all the 'dear diary' thing was so sweet and special at the time, now it has gone into random rants and ramblings on Twitter or Path. Believe me, the things we shared can be annoyance to others but those are just memory tracker to me. Maybe to you. Or, you just don't realize it. Try TimeHop?

Let me make it short. No matter it's good or bad, sometimes I think I need to learn more open. Share more and let life remembers and reminds me of how far I've been through. The things around me sort of pushing me to cherish every moment the best I can. The phrase 'to live life fullest' now makes sense. No one probably can avoid me having memory loss, but when someone or I try to recount the missing piece, I want that piece of my life can make it worth awhile to remember.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

P.S. I never delete any chat history messages. How matter far you've gone, you'll always be in my history. Let's always 'Begin Again'.