All the game I'd play come with a great risk. And I was facing that dark and heartbreaking truth of the fire I put up on my life. Although, now, it's all over, it would still leave a trace of memory and lessons that I have to take far ahead. It was my biggest turning-back point.
I wasn't feeling very well last month. Since the mid of the month and it came worse at the end. That time, there might be something wrong. I wasn't well-acknowledged with this kind of feeling and phenomenon I was through. The sickness and all the mental problems at the same time which affected my power and motivation for work. Yet, life went on and kept demanding me, leaning on me. From this moment on, I learned that being a reliable person isn't much different to being a grounded (but trusted) slave. Well, at least, a different kind of slave with higher (and better, of course) status compared to others.
I was (and still am) wild to my nature and freedom lover. I hate limits. Culture and rules which are against my own value I created has become my enemy. I protested to stupid political conditions, religious affairs, and this (stupid) high-context culture I'm living in. I distrust and hold anger towards the patriarchal system. Yet, I could ruin my life and my (HQ) dream for my future...just for a guy. What's the surprise? I almost did.
Within the situation, I realize that man and woman are completely differently created. To become a woman that is loved by a man is huge task for a life time. How to make yourself pretty, attracted and....acceptable. To be praised for your brain, taste, and look. Woman are demanded to be real lady and ... PERFECT!!! A man? Never!
Oh, c'mon... Did a guy ever go waxing, have a hair-do and feel the pain and boredom during the time? Or get a trouble when 'he can't take care of his girl's loyalty to him'? Did a guy ever get blacklisted for doing molestation, rape, dating my girls at the same time or hire a call girl? ---> this would be another topic to talk about. I'll write it down next time when I got the time.
Since a child, I don't want to get married and by the time goes by, I grow more feminist. Sadly, the strength in me doesn't keep my on the right track. I fell in love and drown in sorrow with a broken-heart. All I see is disappointment. Darker...along the way forward. Don't ask me if I ever got lost. Women can't read maps, although now we got GPS, I can't use it right way and in the right time. I lost myself anytime, so often. Amnesia comes to me and blurs my life plan.
It wasn't easy. Nothing is ever easy. But last week, it came to climax. It wasn't orgasm that I'm talking about. But it was....regret and fear of the days coming to me, twisted from the one I've planned and hoped. Those days last week, I did mean to say, "I'm ready to die!" If the day were going to become worse, why shouldn't I stop my fate for facing the bitter trust, I thought. I had to face the regret of what I did---what I let people take from me---and the feeling of abandoned and forgotten, and/or thrown away just like your empty Coke can. Some part of me just can't handle the mistreatment. The fear has taken me down to keep on everything done.
|Brandon needs help. He knows it.|
The next day, I just...knew..that something was going on...with me! I checked on the internet about everything. These symptoms, my fear, and what I could do without telling anyone and freaking my parents.
After a few hours, I bbm-ed Indri again and asked her help. I was really grateful that she wanted to help and accompany me, and all. I appreciate all the things she did for me, like her research, patience and effort to come to see me and spend the whole day with me for solving my problems. I am deeply thankful to have her as a friend, as a sister, and to have her existence that support me. I couldn't imagine that I had to go to the hospital and face the confusions, distrust, worry.
|Brandon and Piggy|
Also... with this hospital scene, I realize how much I need to take care of my health and the importance to have much money for anything that might come and would need me to spend money. I was kinda worried that I might not afford the whole hospital bills. But thankfully, I could. Another grateful part, I could get a nice and good medical treatment with the money I spent. Oh, I promise this time, I would try my best to keep some money for emergency stuff like this. Please note: without asking my parents!
Last week...was the week of regret. I hope that I could turn back the time. I didn't commit suicide, yet I kept living till now.
Something that I regret was my choice. To follow my heart, to go to communication studies and choose writing as my passion. I remember I cried in my heart that I shouldn't have followed my writing call. I should have gone with a 'safe' college major. Suddenly I regret my choice to listen to what my soul wants to do. I doubt my writing skill and wondering about all of my rejected projects and un-replied ones. I shouldn't... I shouldn't. While I have to meet people's demands on me. I'm too reliable, remember? I don't know if there's any other person in this world could be more reliable and better at work than I do. I feel that I don't have a specialist skill. At least, that's my feeling.
During those negative thoughts, I also wondered if I took the 'safe' college majors like most of my high school mates did. How my life would be? Let's quisera sera... Can't imagine I would stuck in math or accounting stuff. Unlike other chinese people, I'd choose something out of business or marketing related. I can't do 'commerce'. I'll be a bad one.
Just today, I got the call. For my internship in 7th semester, I already got my place. I'm almost finishing my 6th semester, but before my other friends got to think about the place they're going to work as an intern, I already got one. I'm so ready. It was a great news to me. They accept my articles and one of the 3 is going to be published although I haven't been working yet. In August, I will start my dream job.
Only, I still need some time to grieve. As what had happened has torn apart my trust towards people. I am truly disappointed. The scene has gone unbelievable. I was completely (or partly) wrong about people. I have to 'tidy up' my life and...the most important...my heart.
I'm so grateful with my choice to move on. And you should, as well....
...what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...