Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Fear of what you've been born to be

People love making jokes about typical person. Okay, fine. Maybe there isn't something fun in the lives. Just pity them somehow. You can play with stereotypes, but just don't be too serious on that. Why? It doesn't work on everyone. Lemme give you example, I'm Chinese, but I'm the only one who never thinks about having money-oriented business. It's not that I don't thing further for my future, I just know what I can live with.

My choice for becoming a writer or journalist made my family once shocked. I'm Chinese girl, and this country hates me. "What if you have to report on a riot? You'll be attacked as you're a girl, and you got slit eyes," my mom said. Yes, I know what it takes. That's why, I leave political issue far away from my head. Pretend like I don't know anything. Now, I'm more to lifestyle, traveling,... any feature writing. I don't wanna go to work on TV station. I don't want people to see and recognize me. That's it. I'd rather stay low profile. It's safer.

Oh yeah, sometimes I can't leave my anger behind seeing those stupid capitalist player in the government. Or, the demons who stand on Holy Bible, who once burned this country into ashes in May 1998, or bombed my church on Christmas Eve years ago. If you have ever heard about Yasmin Church or Islamic Front Defender attacking Ahmadiyah... if you're parts of minority with me, you know your existence are still in danger in this country. Things haven't changed.

Lately, I found an old article about a guy, Chinese guy, who was a gay man. He was attacked because he was gay. And what made it worse for him? He's Chinese, so those demons think he's double shot bully.

It's not about me, feeling special of what I've been born. I'm not giving negative thoughts about anyone. No! Not at all! It's fear that I got, as these people never open up to diversity. They keep playing with the stereotype that doesn't match with me. Moreover, they enjoy hurting people with dumb reasons. I know some people of the same race with mine are kinda.. annoying and also racist. I have such people in my grand family, and I hate them too. Let's see the bigger picture, racism and hatred aren't coming from only one side. I don't want a defense. But the majority isn't always right and the good person, while minority is the bad guy.

It's hard for me to live as a normal person who is free and powered by curiosity. Mentally, I'm restricted. While this country has so many things to explore, I only can touch some part of it. I have to let the other side of the world I'm living darker than the night. The fear is also with the whole family, too. Inside, I still have people around you who made me frightened of anything. Within their worry and racism experience in the past, fear in me gets stronger.

My mom stopped going to school as her Chinese school was closed down in 30 September Communist Movement. In May 1998, my school and its surrounding got attacked, robbed and burned down. In these years, there had been many rumours that would be another riot that targetted the Chinese. Hoax or not. Everyday is never safe for everyone.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Some (Changes) to Share

So I thought it would be long for me to abandon this blogging thingy... But I guess, it's been quite, errr, oops, very very long time for not blogging. Kinda miss to write of course. I hope I won't lose anything.

So far, things are fine. I'm still alive (at least until today, dunno about tomorrow). My internship is almost over, but yet I'm recruited at the same place, so it's a good sign for my newly-built writing career. As for my school, I'm getting stuck in finishing my first chapter. For exact, Chapter 1.1. Yes, the background! Much to say, lack of knowledge and time. Overall, the lesson that I got is...I know I can't do something that I thought I couldn't. To me, that's sounded fantastic. It often happens to me that I can't do a thing I'm very confident about, just all in a sudden. Something gotta change from now on.

This morning, my sister who's been living in the States just visit me and my fam in Indo for 3 weeks....which is a cool thing. This is the second time I meet my niece, and the first time to see her younger sister. Kinda rare opportunity. So I got to use my time right. School, work, side job, hobby, and fam quality time. And another impact is that I can't have my privacy. My bedroom is going to be used for the whole 3 weeks and I need to sleep in my mom's. All my stuff, except some dolls, books, CDs, DVDs, scrapbook kits (damn, I miss scrapbooking), drawing and painting kits (including all of other art kits) will stay in mine. I take my big Shadow doggy with me to sleep with. Seriously, actually, to be honest, it's kinda hard thing that I can't have my privacy, doing private stuff, being around people at home and not able to be alone and nowhere to put your stuff after getting home, tired and all. Should I change?

As you know, as I'm working in wedding magazine. My point of view about marriage and wedding hasn't changed a little. Sadly, a friend's wedding that I've prepared a new dress for... I didn't go. For shitty life I had, too bad! Some friends suddenly come up with the idea of proposing their lovers. Some friends suddenly...without any planning shared to us....got married. And for some friends who already told us about getting married, they cancel it. Just in right time, just in a few days before. But yeah... I can't lie if wedding stuff like invitations, party ideas (and details included), dresses and all are truly sweet and fun. I won't have any wedding for sure, but I can have it for my book launch party. Maybe? Who knows... =) I'm crossing my fingers for that.

Recently, the counseling programme hasn't restarted yet. The book selling thingy is still under obstacle, of which I'm feeling rather troubled about. And the film fest went well and it's done already. Also, I met some new good friends. So, it's cool. Right now, I'm looking for more sidejobs I can take. My financial life needs to be fixed in time.

I feel like killing these deadlines. I just can't wait to feel relax and get a break from this hectic world. I want to meet my friends whom I've not been seeing for long and I need to have fun. Lately I got some getting-20-year-old probs: new teeth coming up, with fever and some other sh*ts. Kinda crazy. But I need to get a medical check up, not only for my teeth. But for all, as I think I'm sick. Really sick. It's going to be too much for me to handle to live. What's great to do next? Getting new clothes, shoes, all ... and going to get my hair cut (just a little).

I miss my (busy) normal life.