...but I don't want it over yet!
It all started by how the my heart kept beating so hard. It happened countless times that I ran out of air and found it difficult to breathe easily. Maybe, I've been a heavy passive smoker.
Whenever it happened. I got scared, something would happen. Something I can't avoid, I can't change...worst, I can't fix. How is that? On the other life I'm living, I'm stuck in boredom. Writer's block for days. Mistakes at work. Trouble maker at home. That could be the moment where I forgot that "life throws curve ball at you, and you go where it takes you." Simply, according to Master Shifu, I don't find my inner peace. Well, once I did. But I left it away.
Then... Something has fucked me over. It turned my life upside down. BUT, it put me back, miraculously.
Then, the real thing happened through some random incidents. The filmfest was going well, although there was some chaos, due to threats. Anyway who cares about moron's threats? So we kept on going. Yet, what those days made it perfect for me? I got the call that the schedule for thesis defense was on 4th September!
My reaction was...'yaay, finally, they called me' and 'oh God, Blaire will be launched on the 3rd, while the filmfest will be going on, I can't come anyway...and I got to take a leave'. So, yes, there were mixed feelings. Yet, I passed all of those events in the week. Only... one of them wasn't really going that well.
...they postponed me... Yes, there's a condition in my university, where the hearing if you pass or not...is postponed. I never knew until it happened to me.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED: The professor who judged my thesis didn't like my English.
Oh, so simple reason! He insisted that I needed to rewrite my thesis in Indonesian, during the revision phase for 2-week-time. Did I cry? Yes, I didn't think that could happen that far. How could I finish it in two weeks? Together with deadlines at work, filmfest and new work at boutique. I also wonder why people who did their these just like that could pass easily. And why was I judged by the super panelists, and one of them even got a profile page at wikipedia(dot)com?!
Strangely, I already received a hunch.
Getting close to the D-day, I kept on entertaining myself that it's going to be ok. But, it wasn't. I was completely disappointed. Like a punch to my face. Reality bites, huh?
|Me and Dinda's Smurf. |
Post-crying scene after thesis defense.
I cried the whole way back to home and also tried to stop at the same time. I didn't want to be seen crying in front of my mom. Coz I knew she could cry too if so. All I did was trying as if it's something that usually happens and everything is going to be ok.
The next day...it's like the sleep and the nightdream has taken away my pain. The burden has gone. Something has fucked me over... and now I'm so fighting...and being back alive! It saves me from the stagnant mind... my humdrum phase.
In a disappointment, something slit your heart. The blood rushes out, you faint...you lose yourself in tears of pain and darkness. But remember the flow, that it would bring them rushing back to its rightful place. Yet, it takes you to cover the wound and to keep walking, to make it stay there... working to keep you alive.
Just cover it and keep on walking, as nothing ever happened before. There could be many other things at the other part of your way that heal you.
... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...