Many people got married on this day . I was in the office, reading the news of lives I don't know out there, having happiness with loved ones. I lost something that has left me behind, before I realized it. It's painful, yet normal. I forgot when was the last time I felt so happy like they are. Today, I thought...life would be just the same as it should be. Walking in the same straight line. One thing about me, I haven't been moving on.
All my life, I'm surrounded by people who tell me to do this and force me to accept their values. They never listen to what kind of person I've been becoming and to what I want. I do everything to be the best at EVERTYHING. Yet, what I get? Nothing. I'm so screwed and I have screwed everything. I almost sacrifice for the anything I could've got. Now, it's all nothing.
... I'm sick. Really sick. I need a doctor, or maybe a shrink.
I thought so. Maybe I do. Maybe I just need to release all the pain inside and start to move on. My faith seems so far away, it was me. I left it. My bad.
|Not whining. Just feeling more deeper on the pain |
to understand better
It's his happiness and I think I'm ready to find my happiness. That's why I'm here, 00.00, right on new year thingy with such a crazy explosion outside, writing on this blog post. I have canceled my plan to go to Mulia Hotel to watch Brian McKnight counting down with his songs to NYE (seeing him yesterday in the press conference felt entertaining enough to me). I'm not naked while writing this, but soon, I'll be write again, naked in these hours, with coffee... Inspiration will come, for sure ---> Am I still going with 'Naked and Caffeinated' thingy?
I need to move on from this kind of situation. Clueless, yet, I still hope the best yet to come. It's been a moment of struggle, a moment to sacrifice.
School, work, side job, and my own projects... time needs expansion. Like 36 hours a day? C'est pourquoi I decided to take a leap. Maybe, a time to be away from anything. To make myself realize what I actually have, to know what I can't live without. Cheesy? Hell yeah... but sometimes, it takes dramatic moment to live better life, don't we?
Kinda hard to say how I'm feeling to the upcoming year. Excited, plain or nothing. I treat everyday the same, no specials for xmas, new years, and even my birthday. For all this year I remember, I have made right decision. I have spent useless moments with a guy who thinks he's a cool guy, have rights to ask me out (and I have to say yes whenever he needs me to be around with him) just because he got a car, money and a great position in his work. For a few times meeting him, texting and all we'd done...I just wasted my precious time. Thankfully, I left him, before he sort of 'thought' that he left me. Complicated? That's his language. Not mine.
And for any other guys out there, you need to know, I don't need your money, car, or bullshit story about your job. I have better, cooler life, where you can't ever exist in! As a feminist, I never let a guy pay for my life, even for simple thing. Am I sounded like a shit? Well, if yes, you're a dumbass. I can earn money myself, and be proud of what I can spend for myself, without asking someone else to do it for me.
Looking back... it's been a hard year. Not really. But it was hard. I lost so much times to have fun. I spent my time, for studying in damned bad place, for worry and fear... and regret. I chose Communications school. Nice thing. But I kinda sad not to choose Communication Visual Design or 3d Animation Film Making, which had been my 'roots' in high school.
I'm getting old... I hope I always have time and chance to regain what should be mine. It might sound like I'm greedy. But it's the way I'm educated, to be the best at? Or should it still mattered to me?
I have my lessons as well. People who come up very nice, but an asshole behind our backs. Sweet, huh? You treated me like a shit, dude... Listen up, I'm 21 and ready to take you to hell, like jail, maybe? Just wait and see.
For people, I have left, ignored, abandoned, and forgotten... from my deepest regretting soul, I'm sorry. You'll always in my heart. And for those I've been hurt, I truly apologize. I wish there's something I can do to fix things back. Probably I didn't mean it... probably, we both deserve this distance between us. For my past, I'm sorry, there's no way back for us to meet. It's enough.
2012. Nothing special. It's just a string of numbers. I don't feel like celebrating this kind of thing. My wish is...just to keep my sanity from now on.
So less about the real me, and I just need to show my real self better...