Sunday, December 29, 2013

Dancing in the Twirl of Wind

It's getting constant. Every single loneliness that fills the time, always gets me to the core: I found fear. I remember John Mayer's in his song 'Stop This Train'. I didn't see it as something light, especially now, coz I feel the same.

The target is obviously missed. Look! Who am I? I still know me as nobody and being lost is my dear friend. 24 will be my next stop in 2014. Wish everything can just .... slow down while I'm running fast. Guess, it won't happen. And my other favourite buddy is confusion. It drags my fear to come at front and holds me back from stepping forward. So, don't ask why I need more time to breath and decide.

Getting in the end of 2013, I'm single, bored and scared. Clueless can be added. Worry is also regular lover. Questioning the years ahead and how my life will be like. My colleague, Tania, has resigned and John, my former lecturer and also from QFF will move to Bangkok. Everyone steps forward, but me.

Here I am sitting on my desk, writing with a glass of wine in my room, surrounded with scented candles lit at every corner, mellow music on, crying with empty stares to the screen.

There's a moment where I just follow where the wind takes me. There, I look back and see how I've been too ambitious, tough on my own self, but it didn't work out anyway. Life proves me wrong. Fate shows my weakness. World whispers me of hopelessness.

Wind blows dry. Dusty as it is that I can't see my path through. No grip, only the blow teases my steps, plays with my hair. Now it's twirling, I wanna dance for a while even though I know I might fall.




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Salmon Recipe!



When my niece was proved that she enjoyed my salmon dish, I decided to cook some again. This time, more spices on top of the fillet and served with egg! I cooked the salmon with the same way I did on the previous post. So, here is the absolute recipe:

For the salmon:
1 salmon fillet (of course)
1 large-sized onion, chop into half and roughly chopped. Set another half aside.
2 cloves of garlic, slice and chop.
2 cloves of shallot, slice and chop.
Salt, ground black pepper, oregano.
1 tbsp of Worchestershire Sauce.

How? Slit the fillet a little bit. Put salt, pepper and oregano onto it. Then, heat oil on a pan. Toss garlic and shallot, saute until fragrant. Add onion, cook until tender. Gather all the onion, garlic and shallots to cover the bottom of the fillet. Put the fillet on it, cook another side after a while.

There!

As for the rice, I fried it with egg and the other half of the onion. I wrapped the rice with the egg, but it actually needed two eggs so all the rice could be wrapped in it.



If you read the last post, I cooked salmon yeah! Why? Because I bought a pack of Salmon fillet, and motivated myself to cook it soon with that post-it stuck on my wall. That day I felt so challenged, I did it. Hope you would try it!



... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Motivation-less.

The world keeps on turning. I'm still here. I'm doing nothing. I'm doing a lot.

Yet, confusions in me exists. Why am I still here? Why am I doing nothing? Why am I doing a lot but nothing good comes?

Every time I look around, you're not around.

I need a grip, I'm losing one, I got no friend.

But in my loneliness, anyone new I meet just leads me back to you. Why is that?

I lost my path. Me and my dreams are strangers now and forever.

No matter how often I got surprised by how small the world is... I still can't get my feet stand on the place where I should.


Why?




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Things I Don't Understand



Apparently, the news about rape case against a poet named... SS went rampant. I bet you all choose not to comment on the case, I don't know any of these people involved.

But what triggers me to say something like this...is because what bothers me. And what bothers is how people (including women) react on why the victim (7-month-old pregnant college student) filed the case when it's almost too late. Ok, people try to make their guesses, "Maybe the deal with the guy is still unsettled or settled with not enough money given, so then she decided to report!", or "She could be have an affair with the guy, but when she got pregnant and he refused not to marry her as he's married, she changed her mind to report and stated that she was actually raped."

Why do people's assumption on rape cases always tend to stress that it's only a woman's lie? Why don't these people (including women) have any respect on other woman? Doesn't matter if there have been so many cases in the past where the woman lied, because in the past, there have been so many cases either where the guy were really being a jerk. One made-up case doesn't mean the next cases will be ended up the same. Why do these people (including women) hate other women that they prefer to oppress them?

And why...people tend to respect and even have sympathy towards the guy that he's being reported and life will surely be hard on him at time like this?

***

What's the problem with writing as a hobby? What's wrong with reading books? Well, take a look at my experience on this.

A few days ago, I went to a hotel for an event they held. I arrived there so early. At the time, nothing was happening, so it made me confused. I asked the front desk officer who were also confused. In the end, nobody was that helpful. 

Then came a girl who I thought as the Public Relations officer. She didn't even look at me, and just mingle around with the other journos. Then, after I showed I was quite furious, I went back to my seat and the girl stopped before me and smiled. I smiled back. But that's it. 

I decided to call my office and stating clearly on the phone of what's happening there. "Should I just go back?," I asked my colleague on the phone. In the end, I decided to grab lunch at a nice resto next to the hotel while I'm waiting for the driver to pick me up. I just don't want to eat anything served in that hotel. They serve badly, no hospitality.

After that, I went back to the hotel and waited. This time, the PR girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a journo?". I said, yes. And I told her I didn't get what it all meant. Everything was so messed up. She was mistakenly at first, thinking that I didn't speak Indonesian. Beh...

She sat to me and explained everything and cleared up all the misunderstanding. As a PR, she doesn't have a nice English accent, so you'd hear her as she's got to spit out something. Well, guess, this girl was my age. She, then, started to speak with me as we're friends already. Her approach was simply like college student just making friends.

She told me that she was confused the first time she saw me. Whether I'm a journo or just random hotel guests. But why don't you just ask? Yet, less in a minute, she forgot. She suddenly asked, "where did you sit? I just saw you just now and I didn't see you before this." Hmm...lied too quickly.

We sat again when she offered me a drink. She asked me, "Why do you choose Mass Communication studies?" I said that I love to write. And she just cut me and said, "Oh, you're just like my friend. She also loves to write bla bla bla...extrovert like you." Wait, what? "Then, I asked her to join me and my friends, then she started to become a lil bit, oh sorry I meant she was introvert, so she is a lil extrovert now," she continued. Like, ok... is anything wrong with being introvert? Anything weird with the fond of writing? What a narrow-minded stereotype!

What's worse? It's when she started to talk about herself on why she chose the university she went to, giving aloud her lame and standard reason as she said, 'the school makes me a better person.'

Kill me!




... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Stranger

So, if you read my previous post, you'll understand that I'm looking forward to get a new family home. While I'm also thinking to get a new home myself.

---

Time to recall. I'm 23 years old now, but once I was 18. My favourite age, my turning page. So I bet you all know we can change as a person who grow up into someone who know much better, although not all, just in five years.Once I'm a person who can't say 'no', but it seems lately that it has been my expertise to say what I wanna say, no matter people like it or not. Good, isn't it? I love being honest. But it is sad that some people can't just get it. They think that you change and start to be 'against them'. I'm just being fair as it is.

My views on religion, Indonesia and feminism has affected so many things around me, of course. Some people can't stand to be with me due to my choice and the way I see things. In other words, they just can't let people be happy the way they can, and not through the way most people do.

I can be very blunt in stating my opinions and delivering facts of everything I concern about. Unfortunately, people can't just give it a thought, and choose to unfriend me instead. Being different is hard no matter what. When I knew some of my friends left me because of that, well...I was very disappointed. Who wasn't, anyway?


I was very disappointed to know that even my friends that I care so much are able to treat me as a human being who might be different from them and have rights to choose on the way to live my life and also to speak my own words.

All I know that...whenever the time passes, everything is always getting better or maybe not. But as I got older, I know something's missing, left behind and being forgotten. There are also things got worsened. It's around me.

Yes, it's all around me. Remember my post about giving forgiveness?

Well that person again. Finally I knew something. Something about him, something about us. Never expected that this could happen this way. I believe no matter how close two friends can be, they can always grow apart. Yet, it's different.

It is supposed to be all the act of kindness and togetherness were based for friendship. Yeah, naivety brings me to think if this someone was being good to me because wanting a friend, trying to be best friends with me. The truth is... nope. Neither of those things was his reason.

I knew I trusted the wrong person. My secrets left in him, as well as my disappointment (again). The connection between us were ruined. The next time I met him...he's a stranger. I don't know him anymore. Sometimes, I can't still believe it, coz I felt our friendship was real and now I have to change the way I feel by seeing the real thing ahead my way.

So, thing's changed. Everything is changing and, so is everyone.

Once we can be inseparable, there will be one day strangers we're becoming.



... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...