Saturday, September 13, 2014

Starting from Going Back

"One day, I'll go back."

That was my plan long time ago. Yet, haven't done it so far...
I keep saying that 'I will...', without knowing when exactly it could happen.

As you've read before (if you really read my blog), I've called it quit with journalism. I miss magazine somehow. I miss the tension. Well, I'm a masochist! Remember I'm obsessed with Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey? Oh yeah...

There was always a moment... a question that popped in my head every month, every week, every day. "Will I ever make it?", "Am I going to succeed?", "Am I the right person?"...then it turns to "Am I really born to do this?" I went on with those question filled in my head. No answer for many times. But there were times where I was on top of everything, making me feel so certain and I believed in myself so much. It wasn't ever forever. That strong sense slipped away many times from me.

Leaving myself vulnerable. And re-questioning myself and the whole thing around me.

He's right about one thing. It took some time for me to realize.

So I left. Living on without plan. Letting everything left in me loose and slip away. Try to forget things that having their own war in my head. Looking for a peace.

An answer came up. Another question arrived.

I fought myself so hard to stay, thinking whether I could make it to the next month, writing new things. Am I gonna make it this time? What's next? No matter how much I believed in myself that I could get through, I wonder something bigger that I might not ever have. No matter how much I already have in my life could be enough.

So now I'm plan-less. I chose to. The path has led me to see that my life actually wasn't mine, ever, isn't mine and will never be mine. So I challenge everything to go by itself and I simply follow my fate. Giving myself to be 'possessed', in a good way.

One day, soon, I'll go back, saying he was right.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Thursday, September 11, 2014

July, 3rd

And again, we only have to choose the best among the worst; the least cruel of the charming liars to make us dance in the fire for another hopeless and lifeless five years ahead.

Ive seen an excellent player in disguise turn the strategy around with only a song. I've seen a New Order bastard came back alive as a hyena in tiger crown. Ive seen a white snow survive the long-time summer. Ive seen people stand up for the forgotten history. Ive seen the right person forced to choose a wrong one, misled by game. I've seen how clueless we are.

Tyrion Lannister would say that 'you've come to the wrong place.'

If I lose this time, I'd join the fire with my favorite books burnt.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

Saturday, August 30, 2014


After more than six months without blogging, I finally have a lot to say. Things are drastically different.

First, I still can't believe that quit being a journalist. Not knowing whether there's a chance (or a hope) to go back there again. What intrigues me every time I look back is... oh gosh, it was something I never imagine to happen. But it happened. I used to think it wouldn't ever happen.

A Dutch journo once interviewed me for her project. "With everything in your way working as a journalist in Indonesia, do you still plan to keep doing it?" she asked me. I said yes and told her, "If I'm not being a journalist, I don't know what I am anymore." Guess, something like this yet happened!

It was my dream job---a job that I had always wanted so badly unlike anything else---for amazing three years; writing, fashion styling, food styling, reporting, and all that with super ups and downs. Yes, literally my DOWNs when I reached (read: found) the lowest point of my life... many times. Learned so much? Definitely!

So yeah it happened. Losing everything, risking anything that I have. I have let this profession defined who I am. That means, I have lost myself now. It's a big deal to find it back or simply create the new me---or getting the real me to come out. Quite a challenge of course. Somehow, it takes my humble side to accept the truth that I'm starting over. In age of 24. Another risk to take.

After I resigned, I went to US. Awesome thing. 2 months. I learned in photography class, rejoined with my family, traveled a lot, shopped a lot and ate a lot. I played with neighbour's cats and dogs. Awesome memories! I can't wait to go back and visit the other side of US. Another trip to Disneyworld won't hurt. During the trip, I said to myself, I'll be back, but at least, I'll go with a boyfriend. I need somebody to take pics of me, instead of me taking pics of everyone.

Traveling is addictive indeed.

Now, I'm writing this. I got another job. Another side jobs. Awesome, isn't it? At first, it was a struggle to balance my life with jet lag and those busy schedules. I'm still trying to keep up. Feels like the jet lag stays longer than my stay in US.

And...probably you won't believe me. After three years...I went out a date again. Maybe, I could try a little to think of something like this. Hmmm....first after three years.

Miss this blog. Will write some more.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...