Saturday, September 13, 2014

Starting from Going Back

"One day, I'll go back."

That was my plan long time ago. Yet, haven't done it so far...
I keep saying that 'I will...', without knowing when exactly it could happen.

As you've read before (if you really read my blog), I've called it quit with journalism. I miss magazine somehow. I miss the tension. Well, I'm a masochist! Remember I'm obsessed with Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey? Oh yeah...

There was always a moment... a question that popped in my head every month, every week, every day. "Will I ever make it?", "Am I going to succeed?", "Am I the right person?"...then it turns to "Am I really born to do this?" I went on with those question filled in my head. No answer for many times. But there were times where I was on top of everything, making me feel so certain and I believed in myself so much. It wasn't ever forever. That strong sense slipped away many times from me.

Leaving myself vulnerable. And re-questioning myself and the whole thing around me.

He's right about one thing. It took some time for me to realize.

So I left. Living on without plan. Letting everything left in me loose and slip away. Try to forget things that having their own war in my head. Looking for a peace.

An answer came up. Another question arrived.

I fought myself so hard to stay, thinking whether I could make it to the next month, writing new things. Am I gonna make it this time? What's next? No matter how much I believed in myself that I could get through, I wonder something bigger that I might not ever have. No matter how much I already have in my life could be enough.

So now I'm plan-less. I chose to. The path has led me to see that my life actually wasn't mine, ever, isn't mine and will never be mine. So I challenge everything to go by itself and I simply follow my fate. Giving myself to be 'possessed', in a good way.

One day, soon, I'll go back, saying he was right.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

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