Once, I told my boss that I wouldn't want to get married. I prefer stay single. I said, "I can't be with anyone, I love being alone. I enjoy loneliness."
He, then, told me what he thought of me, "I don't think you're a kind of person who can be alone. From what I see, you're probably not that independent."
I said, "I'm not, but I'm trying."
|Confused to wait, or...?|
Everything involving me is complicated, indeed. I enjoy being along, but sometimes loneliness, I have to admit, sucks. Before talking about getting a date or simple a guy, I recall the time I've been thinking to have a dog but then giving up, I decide not to. At least, for now. For the best. I don't have the time to be with my dog. Whenever I got home, I'd probably continue working. Same thing goes on weekends. I can't be ready whenever my dog needs me.
So, you know what happen if I have a boyfriend. I would only neglect him and focus on my work. Why? Yes, I have responsibility and life mission. Therefore, I have to prioritize my career life.
Ok, let's break down. I don't want a marriage. But I don't mind to have someone to love me or for me to love back. I don't mind dating. Yet, it turns out the old question coming back, "do I have the time to?" Then it develops to..."is it worth it?" I hope it's clear enough.
I declared to my family that I don't want a marriage in my life since grade 6. They say, "Wait until you're in high school, you'll regret it." When I was finally in high school, they say, "Wait until you're in college...". And so on! Until I have all my reasons to sum up, my mom finally understands. Though, she's worried whenever she knows I'm going somewhere for doing something like cooking class, watching a movie, going to library or book store... alone. She's really worried of why I'm doing it all alone. I admit to her I have so many friends, but I end up going by myself and nobody is there to accompany me. My family is surely questioning things like this.
Things get twisted many times. After three years in magazine, I didn't go for a date at all. But a few weeks after I resumed work at the new place, I met someone sweet and nice at... Tinder! We met and all. It went well, breaking the curse. At least, as usual, things between us get twisted again along the way. Here I am... as single as ever.
My Tinder was still on for a few weeks after me and the sweet guy stopped contacting each other. Then I met a guy and made a mistake. Thankfully, I didn't meet him in person or else, I don't know what will happen. I deleted the app.
There are times where I feel lonely at the most ever since. Not that I miss him or my exes. Suddenly, I don't know what to do when I'm alone and lose my mood for everything. Tinder thing on again, off again and on again. Unfortunately or fortunately I can't find anyone. It's just hard. It's the matter that I'm too picky or I'm not that attractive. From 100 of guys, I swipe left only 1. Go figure!
I used to laugh at the idea of getting an account at online dating services or even the traditional one in newspaper. I don't know why now I getting crazy with this Tinder thing. C'mon, Bree! A guy like Christian Grey wouldn't have Tinder, and not even Jamie Dornan!
Got to admit that I'm stuck with Fifty Shades thing and Mr. Grey. It made it difficult for me to find someone.
It is hard for me to open up. Harder to let people in. Something I'd probably had forgot how. Now, I don't know where and how to start. I think I'm ready for a relationship, but I'm not. I recall again... only a superguy that has lots of patience who keeps up with me. I'm complicated. If you say, women are complicated creature, I'm way worse than those women you've ever seen.
Another reason I pull it back is... because I think it's selfish to open up (read: trap) a guy to like me or even to love me. I'm screwed up. He has a bunch of homework to deal with when it comes about me and getting together. Sometimes, I wish I can finish this shit on my own. Without letting it becomes a burden for my future boyfriend. Again, I don't know how and what to decide. Maybe, I need to rekindle the love I used to have with my loneliness.
Who knows...Tinder can help. Some say it's just for sex, some say it's not.
Just say, 'maybe'.
... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...