Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Memory Loss Concern

Bunny. Thinking how to save the world that knows no justice...while no one cares.

Other than many fears that I got in this world, I am worried of my sanity, as well. Sanity that keeps my memory in my mind on all I have been until today. I'm afraid of having amnesia or Alzheimer. Lately, I do have problems with memory loss. I have been forgetful on things I used to remember closely, or words or terms I often wrote or spoke of in the past. If you ever read or watched Atonement, you'd probably have heard of vascular dementia that Briony had in the last chapter. Who knows, I might really have it.

My late grandma, since I was still a kindergarten student to 5th grade, never remembered that I actually passed a grade up each year until the day she's gone. Even though my body has grown so much, she never realized it. She always thought that I was still in kindergarten for years, no matter how often we reminded her that I was no longer a toddler.

Ironically, I met her many times in my life, in a month, as she lived nearby. Short distance never helped her to remember that easier.

Then again, yesterday I was back to meet my grand family---something that I always avoid, due to language and culture clash, and I hate noisy crowds. A night before my uncle was brought to funeral homes, I met my auntie who 'babysit' me when my parents were in the States. She asked me a question that was more surprising than 'when are you getting married?' one.

I was talking to my cousin's daughter. She was telling me that she hadn't gone to school due to flood. Then my auntie jumped in asking, "You two going to same school?" Of course, I was like, what? 

This niece of mine is in high school, but looks more kiddy than most 10th grade student should be. So, do we go to same school? Yeah, I was like, what?!

Surely I replied, 'No, auntie, I'm already working." Then she asked me, "Oh, so you two work at the same workplace?" D'oh! She just forgot that a moment before we just mentioned the word 'school', about less in a minute ago. I tried to answer and explain more detail so she would stop asking. And yes, she stopped, but coming back with another unimportant questions.

I wrote this story in my Path account. There are mixed reactions about this. Some concerned, some laughed---by thinking I meant it as a funny experience. But the truth is... I intended to share a thing related to going-old-and-vulnerable phase in our lives and how family bond allows you to witness (let's say, preparing you). (But) In funny way to write it out.Yes.

Names, words, events. I lost some of them. And being forgetful is not good for your career or school. Let's say, when you forgot a definition in Sociology class, you'll lose a point in your exam. That simple. Those are small things that lead to your life. Biggest future threat I forgot is that the things I do isn't my life anymore.

Sometimes, I remember that. Sometimes.

My bro-in-law once asked me, "why do you take pics so much of almost anything?" My classmates at photography course I took in Houston even asked the same thing. They didn't take pics as many as I did while we spent morning before class, during class break or lunch time and after class. I thought, being in photography junkie would mean that we could be rivals in taking the best pic ever every day. But it turned out so differently. They didn't take a pic, unless our instructor told us to.

So, why? I always keep any photos, with the worst take as well. The only reason is... those pic will hopefully help me to remember a piece by piece of anything to my past I lose, if I really lose more memories in the future. Not just favorable, weird, funny or sad things I found on the streets... but to the most precious ones like happy faces for blessing received and annual celebrations that we shouldn't miss.

I want to keep track of what had happened. Besides photos, I keep some voice notes my friends sent me (and some from my ex boyfriends), letters/post cards or videos of my nieces and nephew since they were babies. I regret that I didn't have many for my previous pets.

The incidents lately reminded me of Royston, a film director from Singapore whom I met in 2010. He made a film about an old guy who suffered from Alzheimer. JakPost interviewed him in KL while he was in transit, saying that he made movies to remember, helping him out if once he lose his memories as well. I got his point now.

Some complained of how we took pics of almost everything. Some lost on how we cherish a photography---that photography has revolved into something we had in daily basis. Once we were familiar with diary and all the 'dear diary' thing was so sweet and special at the time, now it has gone into random rants and ramblings on Twitter or Path. Believe me, the things we shared can be annoyance to others but those are just memory tracker to me. Maybe to you. Or, you just don't realize it. Try TimeHop?

Let me make it short. No matter it's good or bad, sometimes I think I need to learn more open. Share more and let life remembers and reminds me of how far I've been through. The things around me sort of pushing me to cherish every moment the best I can. The phrase 'to live life fullest' now makes sense. No one probably can avoid me having memory loss, but when someone or I try to recount the missing piece, I want that piece of my life can make it worth awhile to remember.

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

P.S. I never delete any chat history messages. How matter far you've gone, you'll always be in my history. Let's always 'Begin Again'.